It\u2019s early in the morning, I\u2019m still in my pajamas, and stuck in indecision. The day already feels doomed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is how it started. A last-minute cancelled appointment gives me unexpected free time, which causes a rush of euphoria over the possibilities. \u201cHey, cool! Extra time\u2026 wow, what could I do?\u201d Images of all sorts of options go through my mind: go back to bed, call a friend for coffee, read that new book, or even do some self-care activities I don\u2019t always take the time to enjoy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But before I can even determine all my options, a pesky (and familiar) voice pops into my head and says, \u201cOh, but you should get to those invoices.\u201d And another one joins in, \u201cBe careful\u2026 don\u2019t make the wrong decision here\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Judgment. Already. And it\u2019s not even 8:00.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sure, there\u2019s a lot to be said about weighing opportunities and outcomes. It\u2019s a wonderful feeling to be intentional about what you choose to do, and to know that you\u2019re using your time and energy for something that matters to you. I\u2019m all about that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But when \u201cgetting it right\u201d enters the scene \u2013 when that judgment card has thrown a wedge into your positivity \u2013 all sorts of saboteur voices can pipe in and spoil the party.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Saboteurs<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You know the ones I\u2019m talking about, I\u2019m sure. They\u2019re the voices that tell you all the things you\u2019re doing wrong, or could to wrong, or always do wrong. Sometimes called \u201climiting beliefs\u201d or your inner critic, they tell you you\u2019re too much of something or not enough of something else. They try to keep you safe by making you play small and not leave your comfort zone. We all have them. They just take a different tone at different times for different people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This morning, mine sounded like this: Don\u2019t make a mistake! Don\u2019t waste this precious time! Don\u2019t be too rash but don\u2019t take too long to decide! Don\u2019t be too selfish! Don\u2019t be too optimistic!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once these voices hijack the situation, it\u2019s close to impossible to actually bring myself to a decision. No matter what I choose to do next, there\u2019s the fear that maybe it wasn\u2019t truly the right thing. The best thing. The most useful and practical and defendable thing. The thing I can be proud of at the end of the day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I pay attention to these voices, I become paralyzed by self-doubt. That once bright and shiny opportunity of extra time turns into a dark and hopeless prison cell. I\u2019m afraid to make a mistake, afraid to be wrong, afraid to move.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The prison of self-judgment<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I know this feeling, this prison. At one point in my past, I lived here nearly full-time. It\u2019s not fun in here. The walls are made up of horrible beliefs about myself and how I \u201cshould be\u201d to be a better person: should be more organized, more disciplined, more spontaneous, more easy-going\u2026 should be better\u2026 should be different. These beliefs closed in and held me immobile. They kept me awake at night, thinking of all the things I should have done differently that day, and didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Through a lot of personal growth work, I\u2019ve learned that there\u2019s only one light that will get me out of this dark and hopeless place, and that\u2019s self-love. The trick is to remember that I\u2019m always worthy, no matter what I do, or don\u2019t do \u2013 that I am already enough. With this flame burning brightly within me, when I feel the walls of self-judgment closing in, I can say to myself \u201cYou\u2019re okay just the way you are\u201d. And I truly believe I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Getting to this stage takes a bit of practice, though, and sometimes a little help from a coach (or other real voices to help you remember how great you are). The more I take notice of the warning signs \u2013 those very first tones of judgment that start to form walls around me \u2013 the faster I can counter with self-love, break free, and move on through my day. With practice, it becomes a knee-jerk reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yet there are still times I\u2019m caught off guard and become trapped by limiting beliefs before I know it. (For me, this most often happens when I haven\u2019t gotten enough sleep, and I don\u2019t take time first thing in the morning to connect to that worthiness in me.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Switching to self-love when self-judgment already has a hold can be challenging, to say the least.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But all is not lost. Even when the walls of self-judgment rush in and you get stuck before you know it, there is a simple process you can use to get unstuck, which I call \u201cThe Three Ns<\/strong>\u201d:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Noticing<\/strong>: Notice what\u2019s going on, and allow yourself to feel trapped. Yes, seriously, let it happen. Notice how close the walls are. Notice the feelings that you have, of being frozen, frustrated, indecisive and miserable, whatever your saboteur prison is to you. It feels horrible, yes, so notice just exactly how horrible it feels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In his book, \u201cTaming Your Gremlins\u201d, Rick Carson paraphrases what he calls the Zen Theory of Change as, \u201cI free myself not by trying to be free, but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself in the very moment I am imprisoning myself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If the walls are already there, then as soon as you notice them, just surrender. This is a very counter-intuitive move \u2013 to take a non-judgmental observer\u2019s stance and simply notice all that is going through your head as you experience something negative. (Notice that I said the process was \u201csimple\u201d, not \u201ceasy\u201d.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n And, it is the first step of getting unstuck. Similar to finding you\u2019re way out of a hole you fall into, you first have to take a moment to figure out exactly where you are, by actively noticing the conditions of the pit you\u2019re in, as well as your physical and emotional state.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Naming<\/strong>: Name what you\u2019re noticing, out loud. Give a name to every feeling in your body or emotion that goes through you, and start with \u201cI notice\u201d, to keep that observer\u2019s perspective. This prevents you from getting too swept up in every emotion, so that you can keep noticing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, I say, \u201cI\u2019m noticing how stuck I feel, like anything I do is the wrong move, like I have no choices left at all. I notice how miserable this is, how paralyzing, how hopeless. I notice how sad I am.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And amazingly – I\u2019m always surprised at how quickly it happens \u2013 after naming what I\u2019m noticing, the trapped, frustrated, miserable feeling shifts slightly. It starts to turn a little resentful and angry. The voice in my head morphs away from \u201cDon\u2019t make a mistake!\u201d into, \u201cYou always end up here! Why can\u2019t you be different? What\u2019s the matter with you?!?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I name that, too, saying to myself, \u201cNow I\u2019m noticing how angry and pissed off I am. I\u2019m noticing how pathetic I feel, how much I hate feeling this way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And this is where things get interesting. In my case, sadness and frustration shifts to anger, which fires up a little heat from within, and begins to thaw my frozen limbs. Noticing and naming the anger sparks a sense of defensiveness \u2013 an emotional pushback, as it were. So now there\u2019s some movement, whereas before I was completely and hopelessly stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For you, it could be a different sort of shift or realization. The important thing is, if you stay with noticing long enough, something will shift, and bam, you’ve got movement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As soon as I notice this subtle shift in myself, I name that, too: \u201cHey, it wasn\u2019t me that put me here \u2013 it was those flipping saboteurs that made me unsure of myself. I was doing just fine, entertaining all sorts of wonderful ideas, until they started judging me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n With this realization comes a solid ray of light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThose saboteurs.\u201d That\u2019s the turning point. Once those voices are named as not being a part of oneself, the prison becomes illuminated. This is because \u201cnaming\u201d truly is powerful. When the observer notices and names a limiting belief \u2013 a fear, a negative voice of \u201cshould\u201d or \u201cnot enough\u201d \u2013 some of its power is taken away. Naming them catches saboteurs in the beam of a flashlight, and causes them to shrink back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s when you have the upper hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On a roll now, I direct my energy at the saboteurs instead of at myself. I now say, \u201cAhhhh, it\u2019s you again, Ms. Never Good Enough. You think you can catch me this time? Ha!\u201d This new shift gives me the power I need to move to the third step:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Saying \u201cNo!\u201d<\/strong> In my case, I say \u201cNo!\u201d to the saboteur telling me to be perfect. I say, \u201cNo!\u201d to needing to have everything worked out before I start, and \u201cNo!\u201d to living up to other people\u2019s expectations of me, or my inflated expectations of myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With each, \u201cNo!\u201d, the saboteurs shrink even more, and the prison walls of judgment and fear retreat. As the space around me opens up, I can find my way back to believing that I\u2019m already good enough, regardless of what I do next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Click! I have found my self-love switch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Floodlights suddenly appear. The saboteurs know they don\u2019t have a fighting chance anymore, and they\u2019re gone. When they go, the prison walls disappear, too. There I am (still in my pajamas) standing in the sunlight, completely unhindered and ready to move into the next thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It doesn\u2019t matter what that thing is, and I\u2019m not worrying about whether it\u2019s right <\/em>or not. This is because I know I\u2019m already all right, no matter what I do. So I\u2019m free to say \u201cyes\u201d to anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My \u201cnext thing\u201d this morning was to sit down and write this blog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What saboteurs do you need to notice, name and say \u201cNo!\u201d to, so you can free yourself and move on to your next thing?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s early in the morning, I\u2019m still in my pajamas, and stuck in indecision. The day already feels doomed. This is how it started. A last-minute cancelled appointment gives me unexpected free time, which causes a rush of euphoria over the possibilities. \u201cHey, cool! Extra time\u2026 wow, what could I do?\u201d Images of all sorts […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":669,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"_themeisle_gutenberg_block_has_review":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1125","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n